This World

Painting can be therapeutic for me at times. No not the kind where i throw on a smock and stand in front of an easel.


I'm more speaking of the grab a brush, throw on some old clothes and go to town on a wall, many walls, or maybe even a shed variety (as was the case last week).

I wasn't painting my shed, though. It was for a Habitat house. Needless to say i found myself perched on a ladder in the backyard of a lady I barely know, in a neighborhood slowly fighting decay and climbing its way out of neglect. There wasn't much to the job. I've done it before. So many times in fact i don't even use painters tape anymore...a skill no doubt unnoticed by each passer by who would certainly be unimpressed with my skills anyway.


Fair enough, there are bigger things going down all around me. Most noticably is one young lady accross the street. Constantly on the move all day long, she's flagged down later in the afternoon by the honk of a horn from a pick up truck, is clearly not interested, and decides not to get in. I'm told a minute later by a regualr on the job site that she's frequently in and out of cars of different men. Now, I don't know her story. I could guess, but that wouldn't be fair. I don't know her. She doesn't know me. But I know she's here, just like me. She has kids just like me. As her children played in the front yard she yelled a few times for one of them to "stand up!! And get out of there!"...just like me. Frustrated one moment with her busy toddler, and the next minute playing along and singing songs, just like me.


The thought crossed my mind as i stood there painting that i didn't choose to be born where i was born and into the family i was born into, and neither did she. Switch us at birth and maybe she's the painter volunteering time and I'm the one in front of my house yelling at my kids. Deliver me in the Middle East and I'm probably a Muslim. Utah, maybe a Mormon. Israel, and I'm celebrating Channakuh. A third world country and I'm digging through trash dumps for a job. The options are endless really. But none the less fascinating...to me at least.


I've been interested in this phenomenom for quite a while now. How did we get here?? How is it I've never missed a meal and some never sit at a table? I really don't know. Nobody does. It's supposed to be an unsolveable mystery i think. But not one that needs detectives searching for clues. Rather, a mystery which invites us stand and admire it. To look on with pure respect for this most divine experience with it's most raw, diverse, and hilarious cast of characters. And characters we are. Funny, beautiful, tragic, kind, tempered, old, young, confused, mad, glad, bad and sad, hungry for more, ready for bed, sick, strong, short, thoughtful and always very creative.


Which leads me to this. We're all in this together. Like it or not, we are. The Earth is a huge boat and we're all on board. And yes Coldplay, it is us against the world. For me I see it not as in two people fighting against everyone else trying to keep them down....but more like all of us, fighting against the struggles of everyday, that we all face in varying forms. All of us dealing with the same pain, running from the same fears, and jumping for the same joy. We're all here in this incredibly mysterious situation (if you think about it). And as the the song says.....


"Oh morning come bursting the clouds amen
Lift off this blindfold let me see again
Bring back the water let your ships roll in
In my heart she left a hole

The tightrope that I’m walking just sways and ties
The devil as he’s talking with those angel’s eyes
And I just want to be there when the lightening strikes
And the saints go marching in

And sing
Slow it down
Through chaos as it swirls
It's us against the world

Like a river to a raindrop I lost a friend
My drunken hazard Daniel in a lion's den
And tonight I know it all has to begin again
So whatever you do, don’t let go

If we could float away
Fly up to the surface and just start again
Lift off before trouble just erodes us in the rain
Just erodes us in the rain
Just erodes us and see roses in the rain saying

Slow it down
Through chaos as it swirls
It's us against the world

Through chaos as it swirls
It's us against the world"

Us Against The World - Coldplay

All Over The Place

We sold our house on October 13th.  What would ensue after that is still being processed.  In fact, I'm not sure I'm even interested in processing anymore.  Let's just say we traveled in trains, planes, and automobiles, had a blast, wore ourselves out, and now we're home.  A new home, but home.  They say that "home is where the heart is".  I would add..."and your own bed". 

None the less, it was amazing.  I got to know myself a lot more over the last few months.  Some of it wasn't too pretty.  But that's ok, it's not supposed to be.  Some of it was great.  Much of what I learned was through the knowledge gained of my family, our stories, my heritage.  I almost couldn't hear enough.  Each story was like a missing piece in my own personal puzzle.  I don't say that to be dramatic...I mean it.  And I feel a bit more complete.  

Admittedly as our life took on a whole new pace and flow I took liberty in removing a few things from my routine.  Blogging/journaling took a back seat.  However, I picked up our trusty camera (which I am working hard to learn how to use it fully) and I snapped as many moments as I could.  It was a wonderful thing capturing portraits that will forever express to me the beautiful adventure our life became in 2011.  Sure our life has never been "typical" (I don't even think that exists)...but it certainly took an exciting turn somewhere around the beginning of this past year and it hasn't held a dull moment since.

I guess at some point we decided to allow ourselves to be stretched beyond what we thought we could handle.  I'm so glad we did (today at least. check back tomorrow I may say different).  And in the past few months I realized something...we're ok.  In other words when I look back and pick any story of our young family's history, the outcomes don't matter anymore.  They just are what they are and we're ok.  

Endings that seemed to be failures, moves that seemed to be wrong, results that seemed to be to good to be true, celebrations, defeats...they just are.  And they're ours.  And without them, we're nothing.  We exist because we have a story!

We're settling in now.  Unpacking boxes and setting up a two bedroom apartment which will be the backdrop for this chapter in our lives.  It's fun, exhausting, difficult, and wild.  Sometimes we want to pull our hair out, but most of the time we're too tired to try even that.  None the less, we're thankful.  Kelly's excited to get going on her masters and I'm thankful for an opportunity to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.  I'm still waiting for a shop so I can get set up and start making furniture again.  But it's all happening right at the right speed.  I'd like for some things to hurry along sometimes...but only when I lose sight of what's important. 

Recaps are difficult.  I'm not even sure why I'm attempting to wrap the last few months into one blog post.  But oh well, it's a start.  Just have to get back in the box and start swinging again.  Here's to tomorrow.  Here's to not knowing what it holds.  Here's to walking around with a blindfold on and smiling at the same time.  Here's to b&w photography and it's ability to leave us room to imagine the rest.  Here's to a new year.  Here's to being all over the place and yet knowing in the end...it's all ok.

On the Run

Since October 13th (the day we closed on our house in Houston), it seems as though we haven't stopped. From an epic week long move spanning 3 different cities, to a five week stop in the TX Hill Country with kell's mom, on to a trip accross the pond to London (thanks to kell's mom I might add!!), and now embarking on a two week road trip which will include stops in Dallas, Tyler, Atlanta, North GA, and Northern Alabama....we haven't stopped. Our kids are learning to adapt, which is a skill I welcome in their repertoire. We won't settle till we're back in Bear country only to launch into K's masters degree. I love it. What an adventure. It's been incredibly difficult, exhausting, inspiring, boring, enlightening, heart warming, did I mention exhausting?, and absolutely wonderful...and we're just getting started really. Who knows what the next couple of years will hold (if you do please don't tell as I'm finally learning to relax and totally love the suspense).


After we sold our house, I put down the blog practice. I figured with all we had to do, i needed to reserve as much and many types of energy my body and mind had to offer in order to keep up with our crazy pace and sporadic schedules. Boy was that a good decision.





So we press on. Holiday road warriors.

Here are couple pictures from london and other travels, can't wait to share more as I get the time, and can't wait to take more with each new location. Until then I will continue enjoying this ride relaxing into the stunning pop each moment can provide if I'll just stay awake to it.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Week of the Move

It's the week of the move and we're knee deep in boxes, bubble wrap, and packing tape. It's quite exhausting no doubt, but we're thankful. It's great that before taking the next step on our journey we're being slimmed down even further. It's kind of a natural process I guess, and i really like it. Throwing stuff away we haven't used in 4 years, we have used but won't need anymore, and stuff that's just that....stuff, and we don't need it! It's a great feeling and the load is getting lighter by the second.

But then there are things we're having to do which feel crazy. Like the fact that we're moving into a 2 bedroom apartment while Kell goes for her masters! And the fact that I won't have a garage to work in (that is until He provides one), and the fact that I had to throw away a bunch of wood yesterday that we won't have room for in storage which could've been turned into furniture. We're not sure where Kelly will have room to sew. And income, yeah I'll get back to you on that. That's to name a few.

But yet, it's all right. You know? All right. It doesn't feel wrong, just crazy. We asked for this and we're getting it. There will be twists and turns and bumps, smooth sailing, and rough waters. And we're in it. Enjoying the ride. Embracing the adventure. Everything we need will come if it's not already sitting in our lap. And really i'm coming to learn that all the stuff we can't see....that's the easy part. He's got that. It's what we can see that's difficult. That person in the mirror who wants to know the answers. 

Well the answers will come.  In the meantime, time to finish up packing the kitchen.  Going to get the moving truck tomorrow!  Blogging will certainly be sporadic over the next week or so, but I look forward to giving details when I can! 

peace

R.E.M....The One I Love

I was about 12 years old or so when I was introduced to R.E.M. (thanks uncle Dean!).  It didn't take me long to be hooked on albums such as Document and Green.  When Dean told me about their upcoming concert I of course couldn't contain my little 12 year old self and saved up my money so I could tag along with him to the Omni in downtown Atlanta.  I remember the night well.  We had pizza before the concert and made it to our seats in time to hear the opening act.  The openers were a couple girls just getting popular at the time...you may have heard of the Indigo Girls??!!  They did wonderful.  One of the highlights from the IG's was their song "Kid Fears".  In the middle of the song a young Michael Stipe (lead singer of R.E.M. for those that don't know) stepped up on the stage and sang with them in what was a perfect way to start the evening.  Later R.E.M. came out and tore the place apart.  Their encore was "Stand" and everybody in the place just about popped out of their skin.  It was fantastic and also my first real concert...I was in Heaven.

I've since listened to their music for years and years and heard recently they are hanging it up.  Well it's ok with me because the music they've written has already been implanted inside and I'll always be a fan.

One of my favorite tunes they ever wrote was actually a hidden track on the Green album.  It's unofficially called "This World is Big".  I must have played this album until the CD cracked in half, and I always waited till this hidden gem came popping out of the quiet moments after the last official track on the CD was over.  But at some point, years later on one of my road trips between GA and TX going to college, I would hear the song in a different way.  As soon as I heard it in this new way, there was no turning back.  You see, the song kinda doesn't make a lot of sense.  It's really sweet and melodic and I just liked it.  But when I heard it one day as a conversation between the Creator and the created...I was changed forever.

Now I have no idea what R.E.M. really meant when they wrote this song, and I don't really care.  I know what it means to me.  Enjoy the lyrics, and if you like I've embedded a player at the bottom so you can enjoy the song too.  The song is sung in kind of a "round".  For me, the Creator is the main voice and the created are the echoes (or lyrics in parentheses).

Thanks R.E.M....and yes, I feel fine.   

This World is Big

This world is big (this world is big) and so-awake (and so-awake)
I stayed up late (I stayed up late) to hear your voice
This light is here (this light is here) to keep you warm (to keep you warm)
This song is here (this song is here) to keep you strong


I made a list of things to say
But all I really want to say (But all I want)
All I really want to say is (That's all I want)
Hold her and keep him strong (I made a list of things to say)
While I'm away from here (But all I want, that's all I want)
Hold her and keep her strong (This world is big and so-awake)
While I'm away from here (I stayed up late to hear your voice)
Hold him and keep him strong (This light is here to keep you warm)
While I'm away from here (This song is here to keep you strong)


I've seen the world and so-awake
And stay up late to hear me sing (keep her strong)
Just hold her
I've seen the world and so-awake
And stay up late to hear me sing (keep him strong)
Just hold him


Hold her and keep her strong (I've seen the world and so-awake)
While I'm away from here (So stay up late to hear me sing)
Hold him and keep him strong (I've seen the world and so-awake)
While I'm away from here (So stay up late to hear me sing)

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(sorry iphone users and other mobile devices...I'm not sure if this will work on anything other than desktops and laptops...maybe I'll get more tech savy one day : )

Paycheckaholic

My name is Clint, and I'm addicted to paychecks...

Immediately upon turning 15 I got a job.  I was a bagger at Kroger.  Tips were good.  My favorite time of year to be a bagger was Christmas as people were so nice and cheery then.  I loved to ask the older ladies, buying clearly more food then they could eat in 2 months, about the incoming family they were so obviously getting ready to cook for.  There was also the time where my friend and fellow bagger Kenny, a 50 something divorced dad previously addicted to drugs with problems I really couldn't understand at that age but probably acted like I could, found an unopened 24 pack of beer at the bottom of some forgetful or hurried shopper's cart he was returning from the lot.  You would've thought it was christmas that night!  He was so excited.  Being older and understanding a little more about life now, I probably would've been excited too.  That was a lot of free beer!

From there I worked at my church's recreational center, which was a total blast, until I graduated highschool and went on to college.  As soon as I got to college I delivered pizza for Papa for a semester until it honestly got too dangerous.  I guess I picked up a knack for delivery as I then went on to have a work study job until I graduated college 4 years later delivering all sizes of "reports" all over campus to different offices (yes email was just getting started back then).  I drove a massive cargo van with no a/c and got to know a lot of people.  I loved it.  OH, and every college summer I worked at a kids camp which kept the paycheck streak alive!

Let me get to the point.  I graduated college and got a job as an area director for a kids ministry in FL.  After a year of that I did some oddball construction jobs here and there to make ends meet, then worked as a maitenance man at a church, then was hired as a junior high minister at the same church where I cleaned the toilets.  After all that my wife and I moved to Dallas and both worked part time jobs while we raised support to go work with a church plant in Paris, France.  I worked at a law firm until it was time to go overseas at which point we transitioned into a life of working abroad for about a year.  We then came back to the states and I picked up full time employment back at the same law firm until I felt like I needed to get a big boy job in the sales world.  This is when we moved to Houston and I pounded the pavement for 3 1/2 years as a sales guy in the medical world. At one point I even had two jobs, one as a salesman and then a part-time gig as a pastor of a small church plant which ended a couple years ago.  So finally at the end of April 2011 I quit my sales job.  

OH! the point...here you go.  That's 18 or so solid years collecting a paycheck, paying uncle sam, clocking in and clocking out, feeding social security, and so on and so on.  It's now been 5 months since I collected a paycheck.  The longest stretch since I joined the workforce at 15 years old.  Now, yes, I asked for these 5 months.  I fully recognize I'm not in the place of millions of presently or previously unemployed who would love to have just one of the jobs I've had.  When it comes to employment, I've been fortunate...very fortunate.  I also realize that 18 years in the workforce is a drop in the bucket compared to countless who have worked decades upon decades.

But as far as I'm concerned I've had a "working problem", and i've been clean now for 5 months.  I've had withdrawals along the way.  Every muscle in my back has found a way to seize up or give out as I've "coped" with not getting my financial fix every 2 weeks.  I've had ulcers in my mouth.  I've been incredibly moody and had moments where it's best if I was just alone.  I've panicked.  Cried.  Sweat.  Lost sleep.  Lost weight.  A few times along the way I've lost hope.  Goodbye savings.  Goodbye security as I've known it...the green kind.

But you know what....Hello Life!  Hello to a new phase.  Greetings to days of knowing Whose I really am.  Money is important, I get that.  It will come i again.  I enjoy working hard, I really do.  I've worked my butt off in a steamy garage all summer with everything to show for it except cash...and that's fine with me.  What has been made clear to me is that I am to jump, and trust, and enjoy the ride no matter how fun, difficult, crazy, exciting, or dull it may be.

The Zen Reader

I'll confess it right away...I'm a horrible reader.  On average I probably purchase 6 or so books a year, of those I start maybe 3-4, and I complete maybe 1.  Ahhhhh, that feels better to get that off my chest.

What's horrible is that of the books I start or finish I am always greatly impacted, which of course begs the question, "why doesn't he read more?".  I will say that when we lived in The Netherlands I just about finished the Narnia series while going back and forth on the train from Den Haag to Amsterdam almlost every day.  And considering that I get car sick easily, it certainly speaks to how much I enjoyed reading those books.  While living in Paris I read The DaVinci Code and thoroughly enjoyed it.  There was something so great about reading it in the city it was based which made it even better! I also read more than usual when I was doing sales.  Spending so much time in the car I found myself parking outside a hospital and reading a quick few pages before grinding it out in the world of sales.  During my salesman years I knocked out "Kitchen Confidential", "Three Cups of Tea", "Visionary Business", and I think maybe one more.  Oh I also read "It's Not About the Bike" by Lance Armstrong over Christmas in Germany years ago.  If reading is important, I think I should move my family to Europe. 

Anyways, last night I started reading a book suggested by my cousin Michael that our great uncle, Tucker Callaway, wrote years ago called "Zen Way, Jesus Way".  Until Michael said something I didn't even know it existed!  Tucker was a missionary in Japan for some 20 years.  The fact that he wrote it coupled with the fact that I know very little about him and yet want to know more are the main reasons why I'm reading it.  I'm also very intrigued by the title!  Don't worry, I'm not becoming a Zen Buddhist, "not that there's anything wrong with that!"(thank you Seinfeld), but I honestly wouldn't have the time (and yes I know Zen Buddhist would be shaking their heads to hear me say that).

The first few pages have really been great though, and I'd love to share these Zen poems he placed in the beginning of the book to give a basic understanding to readers like me of the Zen Buddhism lifestyle:

Bamboo shadows sweep

stairs of stone,

But the dust on them

stirs not.

and then this one....

Divine way,

Awesome activity:

To draw water!

To carry firewood!

And here is what the author, my great uncle, wrote regarding these poems....

     "The first poem suggests detachment.  Altough the shadows move, nothing moves.  And this motionless movement moves nothing.  The dust on those moon-flecked stairs is not swept by the sweeping shadows.  There is no effect, for there is no cause.

     If the first depicts detachment, the second poem indicates involvement.  Even such simple tasks as drawing water from a well or carrying an armload of firewood from a forest are performed with an intensity of awareness which causes it to take on a mystical aura akin to holy ritual.

     Complete detachment, total  involvement - both at the same time!  These are the twin characteristics of the Zen Way."

It's amazing how something my great uncle wrote so long ago could come to me at exactly the right time.  To be unmoved by the craziness around me, and yet so connected to each moment at the same time, this is such a beautiful picture to me.  Especially right now. 

I didn't know Tucker that well.  I was really young when I met him.  I remember he looked like Santa.  He often wore a red long sleeve turtleneck as I recall.  Anyhow, I'm sure he wasn't thinking of me as he inked out this book back in 1976 (I wasn't born till 1977).  But your words found there way to me Tucker, and I'm so glad they did.